Sensitive 2 | Steep Hike

part (2/4)

All I want is only one..

Ever since the clinic visits, I've googled everything. The old (hopefully equally experienced) doctor prescribed me with tons of medication. To be honest, it's tempting to have it all -- The need to end it so badly. Periodt . I wanted to wake up the very next day with Wirgadium Levio'sa spell being cast on those blues. Lifting up the massive burden in my chest. Anyone in my shoes would feel me.. The emptiness. The gloominess. Surrounded by the unseen black cloud raining. But going to the pharmacy in the mists of backruptcy on that time, I decided to buy just one, out of 7 .

Since I'm barely even getting any sleep at night, and Dr. Google told me that sleep is priority to healing, I decided to gobble up those pills first. Unfortunately,. it doesn't work . I'm still wide awake at night. I just can't seem to stop thinking. Maybe I did had "some" sleep. Maybe it's better than nothing.

I was expecting myself to heal really soon.

I made it to tomorrow after tomorrow and after. Waking up was tiring. I didn't want to leave my comfy single bed. Plus, I need 25 minutes to walk & hike the awfully steep uphill calmly before reaching my university. Any lateness of stepping out of the residence means the need to run. Guess what? I'm always late. I made it a habit to finish Mathurat along the way. Hoping for some strength. Although, I didn't even know where did all my strength drained to. If only I was physically sick instead. That way I can have medical leave and rest at home peacefully.

Mentally sick just sucks a million times more. Because you looked just fine on the outside. But your emotions (leading to actions) aren't. And so people dissed you. And you don't even know how to-not feeling even worst.

Rest. The all new basic need. Like a bird in a cage I'm pleading,.. Please.. Set me free .. .

I was waiting to meet them. A chance for me to run away from my routine. A week-off in January. What I wake up expecting everyday to be. Struggling alone with patience, one day it came. And strangely I was over the moon. The feeling I've almost forgot -- How did it felt like. "Is this trully the contentment I'm yearning for?", as I step on the bus in front of me. I remembered smiling sincerely.

It was the very first time in what I feel like forever, that I've felt some cheerfulness again in my life after a while. The "ski" week. I've even gained back my period during my happiest moment. And I thought to myself .. "I'm finally... healed" .

You may call this .. erm.. Biggest mistake .

After being alone in my room just right after the ski week.. I started to lost my sanity and cry hardly again. It was just .. too difficult for me. The pain of separating always stabbed me in the heart core. I dont want to be here .. I wasn't supposed to be here.  Did I've made a wrong decission? That thought . Those regret . And everything just felt apart . Like before ..

But I thought that was just the pain of remembering memories .. Until I've lost my period again for months .. that was when I've realized .

I'm not yet healed ..