Sensitive 4 | Anatomy
(part 3.5/4)
I've lost so much. I can't even lose this..
Already lost my psych..
Losing my physique would just mean I've lost everything.. "My lost appetite.. isn't it a gift?", Me -- persuading myself. An opportunity to lose some pounds it is huh?
But what's with anatomy? I've gained too quick . I was in a constant battle of gaining back my cloud nine or maintaining my form.
Until I sat down brooding and rationalize my circumstances, I decided that I couldn't live like this. Not this way. I've gained nothing from eating rice, burger and fries before. How could I've gained so much by just eating so little in such a short period. Although I knew the culprit was --> Setting my body to a really low calorie, it was hard to choose to press the adjusting switch right back. Because in reality, it was a factory-reset button. In which.. I have to gain it all back..
That just sucks .
That immature me decided to maintain her weight so she didn't ate the amount she was supposed to. Until one day...
The lost appetite .. Turned into a binging episode .
The 1st day I started binging. I've bought the big Chocolate Pistachio Bread everybody has talked about (since it's big, cheap & tasty) for lunch break. Hiding in the changing-room (us, muslims, use for praying), I munched on those heavenly scrumptious sweet bread. While eating, my tummy grumbled non-stop. Hungrily? I doubted. It was my first superior carbs intake in months. I guess my belly was still trying to figure out again the new norma I tried to introduced. "I think" (entre guillemets). Have I told you the Keto diet I was in before? Briefly, that's why.
Finishing the bread, my hunch told me to get some more. Like a programmed robot, I inserted the coin to the distruber machine and got myself chips and chocolates. My mind said it was wrong but I couldn't fight the program. I wanted to eat everything. Not just everything. But every single dense things. I craved for patisseries, pizzas and all the sweets and savouries. Before I realized, the remain were only empty sachets of chocolates, chips and extreme guilt.
Day 1 turned into a few months and more. In a day, I would easily finished a big bag of chips. Boxes of cookies. Some chocolates. Lots of patisseries bought from the bakery and everything else. No one would believed I've eaten that much. No one.. Not even my dear-self.
But I've did.
I couldn't stop. I have absolute zero control of myself. Tho I did felt my stomach was really really really stuffed, I didn't feel full. I've lost the feeling of fullness and hunger. I cant feel neither. I just ate for no reason and I can't stop when I wanted to. It's like my body turned off the survival mode and forgot to press on the normal mode that it've lost its way.
On the bright side, my hair stopped falling, my nails started to grow, I've got my period back for the 2nd time (about 3 months after) and my wounds started to clot.
Clot. I've noticed it when one day, I fell off my bike and my finger was bleeding. It wasn't a big cut but it took days to clot itself. Which successfully panicked me. As a result of binging, I've gained 10kg in 2weeks+.
Like a loop, I'm stucked in the never-ending regime game..
I've lost so much. I can't even lose this..
Already lost my psych..
Losing my physique would just mean I've lost everything.. "My lost appetite.. isn't it a gift?", Me -- persuading myself. An opportunity to lose some pounds it is huh?
But what's with anatomy? I've gained too quick . I was in a constant battle of gaining back my cloud nine or maintaining my form.
Until I sat down brooding and rationalize my circumstances, I decided that I couldn't live like this. Not this way. I've gained nothing from eating rice, burger and fries before. How could I've gained so much by just eating so little in such a short period. Although I knew the culprit was --> Setting my body to a really low calorie, it was hard to choose to press the adjusting switch right back. Because in reality, it was a factory-reset button. In which.. I have to gain it all back..
That just sucks .
That immature me decided to maintain her weight so she didn't ate the amount she was supposed to. Until one day...
The lost appetite .. Turned into a binging episode .
The 1st day I started binging. I've bought the big Chocolate Pistachio Bread everybody has talked about (since it's big, cheap & tasty) for lunch break. Hiding in the changing-room (us, muslims, use for praying), I munched on those heavenly scrumptious sweet bread. While eating, my tummy grumbled non-stop. Hungrily? I doubted. It was my first superior carbs intake in months. I guess my belly was still trying to figure out again the new norma I tried to introduced. "I think" (entre guillemets). Have I told you the Keto diet I was in before? Briefly, that's why.
Finishing the bread, my hunch told me to get some more. Like a programmed robot, I inserted the coin to the distruber machine and got myself chips and chocolates. My mind said it was wrong but I couldn't fight the program. I wanted to eat everything. Not just everything. But every single dense things. I craved for patisseries, pizzas and all the sweets and savouries. Before I realized, the remain were only empty sachets of chocolates, chips and extreme guilt.
Day 1 turned into a few months and more. In a day, I would easily finished a big bag of chips. Boxes of cookies. Some chocolates. Lots of patisseries bought from the bakery and everything else. No one would believed I've eaten that much. No one.. Not even my dear-self.
But I've did.
I couldn't stop. I have absolute zero control of myself. Tho I did felt my stomach was really really really stuffed, I didn't feel full. I've lost the feeling of fullness and hunger. I cant feel neither. I just ate for no reason and I can't stop when I wanted to. It's like my body turned off the survival mode and forgot to press on the normal mode that it've lost its way.
On the bright side, my hair stopped falling, my nails started to grow, I've got my period back for the 2nd time (about 3 months after) and my wounds started to clot.
Clot. I've noticed it when one day, I fell off my bike and my finger was bleeding. It wasn't a big cut but it took days to clot itself. Which successfully panicked me. As a result of binging, I've gained 10kg in 2weeks+.
Like a loop, I'm stucked in the never-ending regime game..
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