Sensitive | Ecstasy

I was never was... thats why. . for short.

To never experienced those misery, I've thought it was just a simple student kind of stress and I've never knew .. it was what it was .. Until one day, when I went to the clinic for a check up as I've lost my period for almost 4 months.

Only then I've found out .. All this while.. that was it. The reason. The answer to my question. Why I couldn't sense any kind of happiness.. Not even once .

Imagine laughing at a joke . Not because it's funny . But because it's supposed to be . That I've felt guilty.. Because I knew those things which were supposed to be fun. I used to enjoy these and those. But why am I not feeling those excitement now ?

Priority just isn't at its places. I hope I could tell in simple words but as u can see.. I couldn't . I couldn't even think straight.. and crying hardly became a daily routine. That sometimes u don't even know why are you even sobbing .. What are those tears for? You just felt those pure sadness without a concrete.. or even abstract reason to blame for.

I hoped that my life would just came to its end.. every. single. day.. Since suicide is a great sin, I was hoping to be hit by a bus or fall off a clift or anything with similar end result.. Sometimes, I stood on my balcony, staring the ground and imagining the fall.

"Do it.", she convinced. "DO IT", voices in my head kept on echoing.

The thought of repeating the fall in the Hellfire for forever saved me from obeying myself everytime.. Plus, it wasn't high enough to take away the soul. Maybe handicapped with a few broken bones. Troublesome to the flesh and blood ones of my own. "Which will break me down even more", as I walked to my artic cold room, disappointed.

How physical injuries and wounds felt nothing when your heart and mind hurts more and I've never thought I would feel that way. Not once,.  ..in my whole life.

Self hurting was kind of a drug. A pain-reliever . Addiction.

But that endless felt moment had passed along with lessons and precautions .. That if genie would kindly offered me his 3 wishes , one of them would be the extinction of anxiety & depression in this world. No one deserved to feel that way .. No one.. Not even your worst enemies whom you wish better dead.. (part 1/4)

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